Introduction
Regardless of how you came into parenting, your style, or the choices you have had to make to ensure a safe and loving environment for your children, there is one thing that we definitely have in common. And no, it is not a preference for fruit pouches or the conscious effort to break toxic cycles; it is parental anxiety.
Even the calmest, most well-regulated humans who are raising other humans have, or will have, moments of hesitation, self-doubt, regret, or even full-blown despair while making parenting decisions. In my case, as a woman with anxiety issues from a very young age, that meant literally being unable to breathe when I had to refuse to play with my eldest because I was breastfeeding her little sister. No, I did not use those words with her. I am aware that blaming the other child could have negative consequences in the future. For my very centered and adaptable husband, it meant creating plans so rigid that any deviation required a family meeting requested three working days in advance, because, of course, plans with little children rarely change during a family trip.
New Problems, Not Really
There is an illusion that previous generations had it much easier when it came to raising children. With no social media and far less access to mental health information, one often hears elders express confusion about why we are now so concerned with secure attachment and emotional needs. However, while today’s environment certainly influences how we approach these issues, much of our fear, avoidance, and need for control stems from our own childhoods and how the people who raised us modeled responses to both major and minor life events.
The Art of Doubting Oneself
While a best friend, or your therapist, might wisely suggest you stay away from Instagram and reflect on what works for you and your family, the reality is that you and your children live in the outside world. Even the most insulated echo chamber will still expose you to perspectives that differ from your own. Reviewing and reflecting on decisions is a healthy process, but anxious minds often struggle with persistent self-doubt. Avoiding the tendency to interpret anything different as evidence that something is wrong on your side of the fence is about as easy as installing a newborn car seat in your hatchback for the first time.
We Do It as a Family
In the spirit of breaking difficult cycles, much of the research on parental and childhood anxiety suggests that initiatives focusing on the mental wellbeing of the entire family are likely to produce the most comprehensive results. Awareness and intentional effort in understanding how behavioral patterns develop within the household can be a formidable task, and one that will only work if it is shared by everyone involved. Yes, it is often faster to do things on your own, but there is no shortcut when it comes to this process.
Conclusion
The phrase “you are not alone” may feel overused in parenting groups and discussions, but it remains valid. Recognizing the collective nature of this struggle can help an anxious parent identify what truly needs attention and what can be set aside. Moreover, understanding counterproductive habits and patterns related to emotional regulation and addressing them as a family unit can be challenging work, but it is likely to produce more sustainable and positive outcomes.
I wrote about this topic because it is an issue that affects my family on a daily basis and one that I frequently discuss with other parents in my close circle. I chose a topic that felt natural to write about and aimed to keep the tone light and informal, as I would with others experiencing these challenges.
References
Chapman, L., Hutson, R., Dunn, A., Brown, M., Savill, E., and Cartwright-Hatton, S. (2022). The impact of treating parental anxiety on children’s mental health, an empty systematic review. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 88, 102557. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2022.102557
Rohner, R. P., and Khaleque, A. (2010). Testing central postulates of parental acceptance rejection theory, a meta analysis of cross cultural studies. Journal of Family Theory and Review, 2, 73 to 87. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1756-2589.2010.00040.x
Sweeney, S., and Wilson, C. (2023). Parental anxiety and offspring development, a systematic review. Journal of Affective Disorders, 327, 64 to 78. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jad.2023.01.128
Vernon, J. R. G., and Moretti, M. M. (2024). Parent emotion regulation, mindful parenting, and youth attachment, direct and indirect associations with internalizing and externalizing problems. Child Psychiatry and Human Development, 55(4), 987 to 998. https://doi.org/10.1007/s10578-022-01446-0
Wolk, C. B., Caporino, N. E., McQuarrie, S., Settipani, C. A., Podell, J. L., Crawley, S., Beidas, R. S., and Kendall, P. C. (2016). Parental attitudes, beliefs, and understanding of anxiety, development and psychometric properties of a measure. Journal of Anxiety Disorders, 39, 71 to 78. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.janxdis.2016.03.001
Author Bio
Paula Goerg is a linguist with over 20 years of experience in social and behavioural research, with a strong focus on understanding human interactions, cultural adaptation, and data-driven insights. Alongside her professional work, she is the mother of two young children and has spent the past decade living across six different countries. As the primary person responsible for supporting her family’s adaptation to diverse cultural environments, she has engaged closely with international communities, participating in parent groups, workshops, and informal support networks. These experiences have provided her with a practical and empathetic understanding of the challenges faced by globally mobile families. Her personal experiences with anxiety and postpartum depression, as well as her engagement with therapeutic processes, have further deepened her interest in mental health, particularly in relation to parenting, emotional well-being, and cross-cultural adjustment.
Published under the Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 International (CC BY 4.0) license for mental health awareness with editorial review.